Crazy Stable

Old-house owners of the world, there's a must-read in today's New York Times, whether you're a New Yorker or not: The lead-paint liability medicine show is gearing up to come to a town near you. If you work for a paint company, this should make you very sad, but if you (like any old-house owner) have lead paint slumbering safely in your intact woodwork, you also need to prick up your ears.  

I won't recap the dazzling breadth and daring of this evil scheme--let the Times' gutsy business columnist Joe Nocera do that. But suffice it to say that this is the lead-paint picture that the fat-cat liability lawyers would have you believe:

and this is the reality.

Images: Top: Death of Little Nell; Bottom: Boss Tweed, by Thomas Nast

Almost one week into Advent...time for self-flagellation! No, not for spiritual mortification--but to atone for the List of Things I Swore Solemnly Would Be Done At the Beginning of Advent This Year (For Once):

10. Christmas card designed and executed--perhaps during the leisurely (ha!) days of autumn.

9. Catalog orders for presents done--easy, just a few computer keystrokes, right?

8. Long-keeping cookies baked and shipped to far-flung cousins and aunties.

7. All spring bulbs planted.

6. All plants bought at Botanic Garden's spring plant sale planted, not still sitting in pots.

5. Downstairs hallway nicely painted as glorious backdrop for Christmas decorations.

4. Various photography projects for friends and family executed and ordered and received.

3. Nice Christmas potpourri made, aged (yes it has to age), and sewn into adorable little pillows for stocking-stuffers.

2. Christmas table linens out of storage.

And the one thing that was absolutely going to happen on the first Sunday of Advent and still isn't done:

1. Get out the Advent wreath, put it on the kitchen table, and actually say an Advent prayer while lighting it every night! 

 I swear, John the Baptist could be standing in our front hallway, wild-eyed and camelhair-clad, howling about the imminent appearance of the Savior, and I would manage to say, in my best Pee-Wee Herman voice, "Blah-blah-blah...I can't heeeeeear you!" Okay...how about two out of 10, and they're done by the Second Sunday of Advent? 

 Step softly, under snow or rain,
    To find the place where men can pray;
The way is all so very plain
    That we may lose the way.

                        --The Wise Men, G.K. Chesterton

Image:  St. John the Baptist, Anton Raphael Mengs

Behold the happy vendor at the Independent and Small Press Bookfair over the weekend, selling her handmade books as a one-artist enterprise called Tenth Leper Press. Behold that link, to the rudimentary website where you can see and buy these books--so it must be real!

It's not the first time I've sold work at fairs, but the weekend marked a real transition into doing this as a vocation. Taking things I've designed and made in my top-floor studio in the CrazyStable and spending two days watching strangers finger them and exclaim over them and sometimes--mirabile dictu-- buy them, was a wonderful confirmation that my dream of a mid-life career change and art/business venture might indeed work out.

Spouse was a dedicated helper and tirelessly enthusiastic publicist, and Child helped set up my table with her characteristic flair. The fair itself was, as usual, an enjoyable geekfest, with a motley assortment of indie publishers ranging from the slick and respectable to the lone anarchist nut-job variety.  Fellow exhibitors included veterans like Malachi McCormick of Stone Street Press (the alchemical book artist who put this whole idea in my head) and newcomer Charlotte Noruzi, whose self-published children's book Grow, Watermelon, Grow is breathtakingly beautiful and tender.  (If I think about the fact that publishers snap up half-baked kiddie books by celebs but pass over treasures like this, I'll go crazy--but then, that's why there are so many crazies at indie fairs like this one.) 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go back to making stuff. I also want to paint the front hallway by Christmas, exchanging "Shrimp Bisque Bordello" for a peaceful cream-and-white scheme. The house is getting jealous, and trying to hypnotize me into thinking of it as a top-priority Art Project if it can get my attention no other way. 

I'm not getting any younger, and I didn't want to defer this little festivity which later on I won't any longer be able to afford, already it's very difficult. . . . Even if the enormous expenses I'm incurring prevent me from finishing my picture, it's still a step forward; one must from time to time attempt things that are beyond one's capacity."   --Pierre-August Renoir, letter, on  painting 'Luncheon of the Boating Party'

Okay, enough of this facile irony! (See below.) Now let's get serious about gift-shopping. This weekend and beyond, the fabulous female artists of Brooklyn have solved your shopping problems: You can hang around fascinating, cool places and buy totally unique gorgeous stuff for people! Or even for yourself! Here's a round-up (with a bonus: an opportunity to tango for hurricane victims. Only here, kiddies, as Cindy Adams might say...read on.)

Books you will not...ever...find in Barnes & Ignoble. Check out the Independent and Small Press Book Fair this Saturday, Dec. 1 (from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.) and Sunday, Dec. 2 (from 11 to 5), at 20 West 44th St. Come to the second floor, where the mistress of the CrazyStable--also the artist and sole proprietor of Tenth Leper Press ("Book Arts to Refresh the Spirit")--will be offering a limited edition of my new book-art work, "Transformation Psalter."  It's a set of four gorgeous little accordion books in a slipcase (all handmade and archival), with images from nature and texts from the Psalms, celebrating the theme of growing and changing into wondrous new identities. There will be lots of other nifty handmade books at my table, too--with a little discount if you mention CrazyStable! The rest of the book fair is also fascinating, with some great panels, readings, and programs, and a host of indie presses selling a cornucopia of offbeat reading. See you there! (Architecture lovers, take note: It's worth the trip just to glimpse the gorgeous landmarked interior of the General Society of Mechanics and Tradesmen, which includes a wild two-story balconied library.)

But wait! There's more!

Billyburg baubles. Want the anti-mall-experience? How about a Hipness Trifecta: Williamsburg, crafts, and a venue that calls itself an "arts lounge"! Jewelry designer Sam Tomasello will be among those offering their affordable locally-made wares (that's under-$100-affordable) at the "Dirt Cheap Crafts Fair" at Stain Lounge, this Sunday Dec. 2 from 2 to 8 p.m. It's at 766 Grand St. (L train to Grand, walk one block west). Sam's stuff is maddeningly collectible, including Ming pottery shards, medieval-looking beads, and magical charms.

Artist's trove on sale. Karen Friedland is opening her house-tour-star home to the public for a home studio art show and sale on Dec. 8 and 9 from 1 to 6 p.m. It's a great chance to own one of her dazzlingly colorful original paintings, prints, collages, giclee prints, notecards, and jewelry at gentle prices. (Look for her lush Moroccan paintings if you want a quick cure for Seasonal Affective Disorder.)

Tango for humanity. Finally, this one sounds intriguing: Garden designer Evelyn Tully Costa (who worked marvels of hardscaping for the CrazyStable some years ago) is hosting a five-course feast followed by a tango party at her Union Street home on Sat., Dec. 15, to benefit the victims of Hurricane Noel in her beloved Dominican Republic town of San Jose de Ocoa, where she worked as a journalist. (Evelyn does a lot of interesting things.) The requested admission of at least $25 sounds like a good ticket to a great party; RSVP to her at 718-778-0022.

Now that's holiday preparation, Brooklyn style!

We've come a long way since the Shakers sang about "Simple Gifts." According to the chatter of Seasonal Magazine Advice (including the online kind), Christmas--excuse me, holiday--gift-giving is strewn with more pitfalls than a mined highway to Baghdad. Having toiled as a consumer-magazine-content-generating droid in my journalistic career, I sympathize with the writers and editors who churn out this bilge. "Ten Gifts Not to Give This Year." "Twenty Worst Presents for Him/Her." "Gift Goofs! Top New Trends to Avoid--If You Want Your Relationship to Survive!"

 But I'm not immune to shopping anxiety, either, particularly since I tend to get Weird High-Concept Ideas about Christmas giving. (This year everybody gets: dessert sauces! odd books! almond soap! narcissus bulbs!) We've got a very small family left to shop for, which makes life easier, but the drumbeat of smug warnings about awful gifts is wearing me down. As a reader service, I have synthesized these helpful offerings into one convenient list.

Image: Antique trade card, R.H. Macy & Co.

A Dozen Things Not To Give, You Pathetic Turkey

1. Gift cards aren't really gifts, let's face it. It's the "gift" that says, "I stopped at Rite-Aid on the way here."

2. For those hard-to-buy-for types--Aunt Millie, your sullen nephew Jared--don't even bother trying to buy "something personal." They want cash--so if you're squeamish about greenbacks, buy a gift card, fully loaded.

3. 'Tis the season for many of us to become co-dependent enablers--but real friends don't give temptation. C'mon, does your tippling Uncle Bob need another bottle of Scotch, and can you really give Godiva with a clear conscience to your friend Frannie who's on her third go-round with Weight Watchers?

4. 'Tis the season to ruin people's holidays with the bummer of a "good-for-you" present. You know your Uncle Bob wants Glenlivet, not grapefruit (not even the fancy crate of it shipped from Florida). And does your plump chum Frannie really need the Healthy Gourmet Cookbook when what she wants is some once-a-year marzipan? Give 'em what they want, people!

5. We're all drowning in brand-name crap, so how about, this year, bucking the materialistic tide and giving a present of caring--for the needy, for the earth, for a friend's or relative's favorite charity? Since Aunt Millie already "has everything," buy a llama for a needy Bolivian family in her name--it's a feel-good present she won't forget!

6.  Know what we all want for Christmas, kiddies? A present. The kind with wrapping and a bow--not a donation to some noble cause, no matter what we say. Next time you're tempted to sponsor a llama for your well-heeled Aunt Millie, stop, slap yourself, and dodge into Hermes for a nice scarf--because Aunt Millie is giving you a Coach wallet, not a freakin' farm animal.

7. Tired of giving the same old stuff? Personalize it! Whether it's a photo mug with Baby Brandon's picture on it,  a monogrammed tote, or a custom-embroidered dog sweater for Fido, nothing perks up a present like a person's name or face. (Picture the smile on nephew Jared's face when he sees his name graffiti'd onto a new skateboard!)

8. Avoid personalized stuff like the plague.  It's probably embarrassing, and it's definitely non-returnable.

9. Guys: Except for your private enjoyment, forget about the Victoria's Secret catalog. Unless your lady wears such items regularly (like, to the supermarket), a tiger-print thong or black lace push-up corset is just as likely to start the old "What, you wanted a Hooters girl and you got me instead?" line of thought...and that's less fun than a glass of curdled eggnog.

10. Guys: It's about romance, stupid. Even if she puts a blender on her list, she's just testing you. Get some lacy lingerie under that tree if you hope to get lucky under the mistletoe; the blender is just as likely to start the old "What, am I turning into his mother?" line of thought...and that's less fun than a slab of fruitcake.

11. In a mass-produced world, nothing touches the heart like a hand-made gift. Don't think you need to be Martha Stewart; even a beginner at baking, sewing, knitting or crafting can turn out a creative treasure (and save a bundle at the mall as well!)

12. You're not, repeat not, Martha Stewart, sweetie, so skip the home-made craft project and head for the mall. That cute quilted tea cozy looked better in the magazine than it will in the lap of your puzzled Aunt Millie on Christmas morning, and Uncle Bob can live without those hand-crocheted golf club head covers. What Uncle Bob really wants is Scotch--or maybe it was black lacy underwear, I forget.

Now, get out there and shop, dammit, or the terrorists will have won.

"The great majority of people will go on observing forms that cannot be explained; they will keep Christmas Day with Christmas gifts and Christmas benedictions; they will continue to do it; and some day suddenly wake up and discover why."           -- G.K. Chesterton, Generally Speaking